...32 questions

Where does that fear come from that locks us in place?

What if today was a beginning and end?

What if we cut those ties that are so tight we have to remind ourselves to breathe?

What if we silenced those voices from within and without 
when they say, 
can't, won't, shouldn't, couldn't?

What if we release the pain that has become a comfort, and a safe place to hide?

What if stepped away from the judgement and disrespect of others?

What if we no longer let another's vision for us keep us from our authentic selves?
What if we stopped self-sabotaging?

What if we put our toxic waste in a box, tied it up tight with string
 and buried it for the last time? 

Finally.


 

What if we made room for the inspired?
What if stepped away from the path that no longer calls to us?

What if we painted the picture we want to step into?
and stepped into it barefooted?

What if we took our long buried dreams out from their hiding place
 and held them to the light?

What if we danced with them?

What if we embraced the gift of them...?

What if we believed?
What if we relaxed?

What if today was the day we pulled up the words from deep within
 and spoke our truth to one and all?
Or just one?
What if we honored ourselves?

What if we asked for what we need?

What if we reached out to each other in support?  

What if as a tribe we chased away loneliness and fear?

What if we embraced our true and loving hearts?

What if we forgave?

Not just them, but ourselves.
What if we loved unconditionally? 
Not just them, but us? 

What if we really stepped into life?

What if we chose to live?

What if I did it today?
And what if we don't?

....#**X#@@*x|\@##+*!!

Face Book

I've been strongly encouraged by many of my artists friends to get a facebook page.

These friends are also working artists

They need to sell in order to continue doing what they love.

They have face book  pages.

And so do I.

In fact I have three of them.

One I want...so I know a little of what friends and family are doing..

as one of my daughters told me after I'd asked one too many questions about her life...

''if you want to know what I'm doing Mom, go to my FB page.''

geez

The second one is a fan page...

the one I should put art news on as well as pictures of my Spirit Figures..

and I want this one too.

The third?....that was a mistake...

I think I must have created it at 3 or 4 am and just don't remember doing it, 

why I would I since I already had two.

I'm thinking of facebook today because I know that I'm going to be strongly encouraged to get my fan page up and running again very soon.

And because I know it is something I really do need to do...

There are three things that seem to stand in my way of actually doing it though

1. I have password issues...

Very often it won't let me in..

There is a julie Micthell in Chico, CA. and facebook insists she is me and won't let me in because my password isn't her password, nor will it let me, find me. 

sigh

frustrating...we go round and round and  I give up.

2.  I can't get rid of the third mystery page.  There are people there wanting to be friends and I don't want to friend them to a page I'm not going to tend...so they hang there in limbo...ignored...makes me feel guilty.

And there seems to be no way to delete it and it's the one that I get taken to when I search myself trying to find the page I do want.

3. If I should somehow get lucky and break through to the page I like, I can't seem to find my fan page, and by then I'm just to bummed to do anything but read what others have posted.

I bought the book Facebook for Dummies, or maybe it was Facebook for Idiots...doesn't matter...and it seems that I am both an idiot and a dummy when it comes to this stuff.

Apparently the things I need to know are so basic they didn't even bother to mention it in the book.  Like how to delete a page.

I can't find the book now...it's somewhere where books I deem useless end up

.....and now I want it....but now FB has changed the layout..

I'm gathering courage to do this...

be a Facebooker.

I have to...I have to overcome this frustration.  I've stopped even trying to get in to see what that daughter of mine is really up too and I hate hearing it from people I know, who know both of us.....

lol

I should at least be in the loop

So wish me luck

I'm gathering courage.

and tips.

xo

impossible?

“I can’t believe THAT!” said Alice. 

Can’t you?” said the Queen in a pitying tone. “Try again: draw a long breath, and shut your eyes.” 

Alice laughed. “There’s no use trying,” she said, “one can’t believe impossible things.” 

I daresay you haven’t had much practice,” said the Queen. “When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why sometimes I believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast!” 

― Lewis Carroll

...so you want to take walk?

For several curious reasons my sleep pattern has been sort of turned upside down.

I'm usually closing my eyes to sleep around 3 or 4 am and it's alright.

I like the night

I like the quiet

I like that my phone doesn't ring

I need around 6 hours sleep to feel rested, so I'm not what would be called an early morning riser.

But the other morning I got up early to walk with a friend.

We've been friends for a long time but rarely get to spend time together

So when the offer to meet and walk and do a little talking was made I couldn't say no 

I wanted to spend time.

We both had lot's to share since our last coming together.

I got up, bundled up, and headed to town were we would meet to get some coffee and pastries to take up to the lake where we would walk.

Three hours later we were saying good bye...

Feeling pretty good about life

We had solved all our problems as well as all the problems facing society today

Pretty cool, huh?

I love to walk and talk...

I'm not a big talker in the first place and I have a quiet voice that's sometimes not heard in a group.

I'm not big on sitting and talking either

I like to snuggle up and talk...you know, pillow talk

but my favorite way to talk about real stuff is while walking

Have you ever noticed how freeing it is...how the energy flows?

The right words come
How it's easier to listen.

How negativity can be diffused by the sight of a wildflower or a rock shining in the sun.

Have you noticed how nice it is to walk with a friend and feel the breeze.

Nice to sit down on a log together and just be silent.

Taking it in...nature

and the friendship.

Breathing together.

Good stuff.

xo

BERKELEY: Police search for suspects in city's first homicide...

I thought a lot about rather or not to tell you about this....

It isn't a very good story, in fact it sucks.

but I have questions

maybe you can answer

so here it is..

I was visiting my daughter jillian in Berkeley and we were with another friend on our way to an evening of shared spiritual readings.  I was looking forward to it as I had met the young hostess when she had just finished her 10 day silent meditation at a Vipassana Center  near here.  Her  light was just amazing, she glowed, and I wanted to spend time with her again...

We parked and got out of the car with our grocery bag of salads and such to contribute to the potluck dinner...it was dark but early evening...traffic..but not a lot..Berkeley is very quiet in the evenings...

as I closed the door on the passenger side I hear...

pop...pop..pop..pop..pop

I've been around guns most of my life, we live in the country..if that matters...

I knew the sound immediately...

Gun fire!

I turned in the direction of the shots...and saw a male figure about 100 feet or so away...not a good judge but across the street...I saw him pointing his arm in the direction of a house and I saw fire coming from the gun he was holding....

omg

this is real!

there was absolute silence and then more

pop, pop, pop

he's not done

at that moment a zillion thoughts went through my head...brain racing.

get the kids down

we need to get out of here

is this gang related

call 911

is there crossfire

is it random

did he see us 

we need to stay put

we were crouched between two cars

and everything slowed down

there was silence again

then a flurry of shots..10 - 15 fast

is he done

is he coming this way

pop, pop, pop, pop again

then silence 

then a final 3 shots and I knew...they were like the period at the end of a sentence..

pop pop........POP

and it was over.

Then the screaming began.

A woman crying....People started gathering on the sidewalk..

someone had seen him drive away 

a news report..

http://www.ktvu.com/videos/news/berkeley-police-search-for-suspects-in-citys-first/vFtS4/

We were on Emerson kitty corner of that A marker on at the corner of Shattuck Ave......

a major road through Berkeley...

Not a bad part of town...

working families, businesses..students 

The shooting itself took a long time

went on as we got out of the car

huddled between the cars

Jillian found her cell phone

made the 911 call

waited a long time for someone to answer

she told the dispatcher what was going on and answered a lot of questions

at the end  of the call and the shooting was still going on

the Shooter was fearless...I looked up over the car and watched him

he was not  at all afraid to take his time

stand there on the sidewalk in full view and kill someone...that was a huge scarey realization...

he had a gun and was fearless.

Cold

During that time while all those thoughts were going through my mind the biggest one was that I would have to shield jillian...protect her should he make his get-a-way in our direction

or maybe he was on a shooting spree...and I didn't know for sure there was only one of them...

I didn't know

but I did know he would have to shoot me first.

poor Brian was on his own.

and even though I felt a fear like no other...it was not the shaky fear like stage fright or almost being in a car accident...it was solid...and big...something that filled my torso...it actually expanded.....then stayed there.

I thought I could die...that we all could.

But it didn't feel like I was afraid of that.  Not scared.

maybe deep down I knew it wasn't my time.

or jillian's time

or Brian's

maybe it was sadness I felt...

I didn't want to be there...witness this violent act....

and maybe it was just the violent act itself that filled me.....

certainly you can't be witness to something like that and feel nothing.....

or maybe you can

I have told people about it...in Berkeley, and since I've been home.

A surprising number seemed to think it was nothing.

No surprise, no

"oh my God, you witnessed a murder...''

In some cases it could just be a lack of interest in me

but not in all...some of the people I told the story to are close to me.

I keep seeing his silhouette and the fire coming from his hand...

and thinking of the terror the people inside that house must have felt....

Wondering if there is a lesson here?

Wondering how that man knew he could stand there, out in the open and take his time killing a human being?

.....wondering if the people I talk to aren't surprised because violent death with a gun is so commonplace that it is almost expected???....

I wonder these things.......

....what are we allowing?????

I had a different post in mind today...and uplifting poem, with a pretty picture.

But this came to me from a friend...changed my day.

I don't want to be sad...

and I don't want to put sad in your life either.  

But my God, we should be beyond sad for the state of the world and it's children.

What are we doing?

How can we allow this?

What is going on?

There are a zillion articles and stats about child solders, children who work as slaves, children fending for themselves  in the streets worldwide, child sex slaves, children dying of abuse and starvation...horrors...and it's not just There, it's Here.

Yet television news seems to indicate we care more about stars in reality shows than just about anything else.  Is that really who we are...?   Does television represent who we are?  

Every day children suffer things we can't even imagine, yet nothing seems to change. 

I don't know answers.  

Send money if you can and pray the corrupt governments let it get where it needs to go?  

I think it is our voices that need to be heard more than anything...if we care we have to demand change.  Don't we??  Do we care?  

And I know about charity beginning at home...this planet it  home?

Is it is very hard to go about my day because I'm as guilty as the next person. 

 I watch and say, it's a tragedy, I cry, and do nothing...because I suffer from apathy.  

There are days when it is hard to believe that anything will get better...

instead I think it is going to get a whole lot worse.  

Everyone seems to be looking the other way

I lay it at the feet of the 'grownups' in the world..

 as well as at the feet of world leaders, corporations and banks.

And I wonder would we care more if they were white children?

But this I do know...what befalls one of us, can befall all of us.  

And if you look at what is happening here in America, drought, corruption, greed, ignorance, poverty, joblessness, lack of medical care, war machines, rage and fear and complacency .....it seems a very real possibility.

World poverty today: S-S Africa

A child dies every four seconds from HIV/AIDS and extreme poverty often before their fifth birthday. 15 children die every minute. Over 22,000 children die worldwide every single day. About 8 million children die every year.  (Source: UNICEF)

More than one billion people do not have access to clean drinking water and water for domestic purposes. Water problems are worse especially in Africa. (source: World vision)

About 4 million newborns die worldwide during their first month of life. About 2.5 million children die every year because they are not immunized. (sources:World Health Organization)

Can you imagine?

.....ain't it strange

ain't it strange....
hand of god feel the finger
hand of god I start to whirl
hand of god I don't linger
don't get get dizzy
do not fall lord
I don't get nervous oh I just move in another dimension
come move in another dimension
come move in another dimension 


patti Smith "ain't it strange"





To dance then, is to pray, to meditate, to enter into communion with the larger dance, 
which is the universe. 
-- Jean Houston

It's hot, but I'm cold.

Tired, had an almost sleepless night and weeding the garden near my studio this morning seems to have zapped some energy and it is time to do my nightly meditation .....my dance.

The music has been playing for awhile now but I'm not feeling it...

I'm still sitting.

I feel a little heavy.

I'm waiting for the music to do its stuff and it doesn't seem to be happening.

Toe is tapping a little now.

Maybe it's time to drag my tired butt up and do something good for myself...

and it is good for many reason...the obvious is that movement is good

but of course it's more than that...

During this year of dance I've learned that freeing my body of tension often leads to an opening up of  my heart...

opening up to my emotions.

When my heart is closed life becomes difficult...nothing flows...Emotions dull...the good ones and the bad ones...

About the same time I began to dance I wrote to a friend that I want to experience all emotion.  As I write that here I feel a little trepidation that I would ask for such a thing.

Why would I want to experience all of them?

Hate,

Fear,

Sorrow,

Anger...

Why?

I don't...

But the truth is I will.
Burying them, denying these unpleasant sensations does not make them go away
Buried and denied emotion manifest themselves in illness, disease, insomnia, eating disorders, addictions and on, and on, and on.


I think if I am to be fully alive I can't hide from the things that bubble up.  What I know too, is that love cannot function in a heart that is half closed or 
in the grip of  unexamined emotion...


So for me the question is, what to do with them?


When I dance into the chaos, when I'm in my body, tension goes, and very often as I come into the stillness the dominate emotion of the day comes gently with me into the night....
and sometimes not so gently.


And at this moment, as I write this, I realize that my best interest is not served by denying them, but by transforming how I feel about them...


How can I truly experience love or joy or peace with a sheltered heart?

....lies of omission and other fun stuff

No one can lie, no one can hide anything, 
when he looks directly into someone's eyes.
Paulo Coelho


I was thinking about the reasons people lie....
It seems there are as many different kinds of lies as there are people 

who tell them....

I think we all do it....lie. 

There are the little white lies of course...

 most of those probably go out into the Universe with little or no impact...unnoticed...I think you know the kind...
How are you? Fine....

I was just going to call you...
I fell asleep
You look great!


And there are the lies that get told when

 when someone wants to avoid an issue or calm a situation.,,,or crate one

Lies are told to protect others...these are often considered noble....
we tell lies to protect ourselves from the possible consequences of the truth...

and of course from punishment...

or to hold on to something or gain something.

 we agree to tell each other lies 
to hold on to the status quo...
group lies can be a comforting way to avoid truth.

People lie to improve their image....
humans tend to exaggerate and bluff, to impress or mislead. 
Lies get told to gain control of a situation 
or to control another human..

Corporations and Spin Drs. do it all the time....
to control us.

Lies of omission...this are nasty things, lies of silence...
withholding of information
 thus leaving a false impression, 
allowing a false belief....
these lies can be most damaging

People who spin the truth for governments often leave out important bits of information in their desire to control how people might behave
 if they had the full truth....
Corporate news does it all the time..omits important information...

Omission is a suppression of the truth...

 Some say a lie of omission is not a lie at all, but that's a lie.


Among other common lies, we have the silent lie...the deception which one conveys by simply keeping still and concealing the truth.   Many obstinate truth-mongers indulge in this dissipation, imagining that if they speak no lie, they lie not at all.
Mark Twain

Then there are people who lie for no reason...

they lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.  

And they will continue the lie even when the truth is evident....

these kinds of lies make me me feel out of balance.  
I call it being gaslighted.

Most likely when someone says they will never lie to you...it's a lie..


I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you.
Friedrich Nietzche

And of course there are the lies we tell ourselves....sigh..

but that's another whole issue...