....that darn inner voice


.......a woman's spirit-self is found in solitude, in recognizing the validity and truth of her own feeling values and that one's personhood is not found in safe conformity to outer values but in the darkness of personal discovery....
Sr. Christella Carbaugh

I think every now and then women......young, old, or in between
come to a place where something changes and we have to go within to understand what the change means and how to merge with it...even joyful change usually requires acceptance...
I have the choice of letting a shift become part of my journey,
or change courses then and there
...I can even den the shift has happened...

I know how to....deny...repress.....
smile when I want to cry
play nice, when even when it doesn't feel good
doing without thinking the things expected of me
deny my inner voice
even when it's screaming

I've come far enough to find joy in my life every day...this isn't about a good life or not so good life it's about being true to myself
I know I have to continue moving forward, I'm not done yet...change...oh my.

I can do a lot of things to keep that voice sounding far off and very small
Sometimes I can drown it out all together....
I can convince myself that fiction is fact....
and that fact is fiction.
Then something happens and burying that voice no longer works....
I have to look at my life.
and that means going within to actively listen, to open
sounds simple..
it can take a long time
it means further emerging and merging with the essence of me...
hurts sometimes that stretching and unbending
letting my old soul speak
...and listening....
letting go of old scripts
looking at myself to see if I'm being true
because if I don't,
this thing, this change, this shift....this opportunity for growth...will just sit me
...waiting serving no purpose and leave me feeling off balance....
getting 'in touch' also means crying...the ugly cry...the one that hurts
while it's breaking down that strong woman thing so I can really get in there and I can listen to the woman in me who wants to be real and juicy...
and it can take a long time...or come in a quick flash...this hearing
and it means reaching out to friends who don't judge, but mirror back..
and then still tell me that I am lovable
I can look at it and shovel more stuff onto it...there is always

....Woman standing on a hillside, peering,
peering into blues space...
...what will woman be?
...not yet fully revealed
...but coming
...what will woman be?

judith Duerk


Anonymous said...

hey julie :)
I didn't hear something new from you. I wrote you an email and I don't know wheather you read it...
how are you?

Angela Recada said...

Oh my! Your words are so beautiful, so full of sorrow and hope. You have put into words so powerfully what I'm feeling right now, too.

I hope you are well, and that you soon find the amazing woman you are meant to be in this phase of your precious life.


Tammie Lee said...

ah, to be with what is... can we, be with what is and be a peace in the stillness to hear our next step, or even simply this breath. Wishing you peace and courage, always.

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